[Britain]
The Knot gets Knotty 

I have been a fan of arranged marriages. My wife's parents and my own knew each other through mutual friends. And I like to think that, if we had been living in India, we would have been introduced through a broker and found the same happiness we enjoy now in our ‘love marriage.'

I have written many times about my admiration for arranged relationships, and continue to bore on about the west's terrible matrimonial track record (one in three marriages now end in divorce), and how we should all adopt the Indian way.

But now, I am beginning to wonder. Currently, there is a crisis among British Asians. Young British-Asian men are heading to their home countries in search of brides, ignoring British-Asian women. Thus, there is a generation of thirty-something women in the UK who are struggling to find grooms.

This issue was the subject of an excellent radio documentary on the BBC last week. ‘Home Grown' was presented by Yasmeen Khan, who wanted to know what Asian men disliked about Asian women in Britain.

The answer was fascinating, and depressing.

Said Parag Bhargava of Suman Marriage Bureau in the program, "Families feel that the girls in this country [the UK] are too outspoken and want too much equality. They remember their parents' generation, when the mother was more submissive. It's very hypocritical. Many of these men are graduates. They have gone through university, lived with partners and even shared houses with the opposite sex.

"They are quite domesticated guys who can cook and clean better than their fathers ever could, but unfortunately their mothers don't want to see them doing those things. They believe that the woman's place is in the home, but she should still be equally educated and have a career."

As Yasmeen explained, women like her are hardly to blame. They did what their parents encouraged them to do: to go out there and get educated.

Ironically, they are now being punished for being too successful. They have careers, money, sassy attitudes and independent minds. The men are, frankly, scared of them.

Most British-Asian men feel that women in their home countries are, as one interviewee put it, more "virginal and innocent." More like their mothers, in other words. They think the ‘homegrown' women would make better wives—subservient and humble. By implication, Asian women in Britain are loose, outgoing and would make lousy wives—disrespectful and not ready to look after their in-laws.

The British-Asian men, however, are interested in these women for some things, but just not for settling down. "They are not what they seem," said a woman. "All they want to do is bed you, they don't think about marriage." Moreover, many British-Asian men believe that they, in some way, do good by bringing a woman from a desi village to a ‘new and better' life in the UK. But, many such relations fail. And divorce rates are soaring among Asian communities here.

"Bringing a wife from back home is absolutely not a failsafe recipe," said Bhargava. "Ultimately, it's down to the girl's upbringing, whether she is in Britain, America or India. Back in the Asian subcontinent, in towns and cities, people are a lot more advanced than we are. When we go back home, our sisters wear traditional Punjabi suits, and we see our cousins wearing mini skirts.

"There are good housewives there, but there are also girls with secrets. After they come to England with their spouse, they will get their right of stay. Soon, they are out of the house and calling over a boyfriend. At the end of the day, if the person is brought up with family values, whether in this country or abroad, they will have a successful marriage."

Let's hope he's right. (This Article was first published in The Week, India)

[ BY JON STOCK ]